How to Prepare Your First Child for a New Baby

My children are 7.5 years apart. This has advantages and disadvantages, just like having kids close together. I thought things would be pretty straightforward since Keira was older and could understand more (compared to a two-year-old, for example). My biggest concern was ensuring her life was impacted as little as possible. But I wish I had more carefully considered how to help my first child adjust to a new baby.

My sister and I are 8.5 years apart, and 1. I said I would never have my kids so far apart, and 2. I thought I could fully help my daughter with this transition since I’d been in her shoes. Wrong and wrong. Now that my son is 1 and we’re pretty well adjusted, I thought I’d share some things I learned when bringing home a baby, and you have an older child. Remember, though, that your child’s personality is unique, and there will inevitably be challenges for everyone while you adjust to a new baby – especially for the older sibling.

Read Books Along the Way

One of the easiest ways to help your first child adjust to a new baby is to read books about it. It’s helpful to have your child read someone else’s ideas and experiences about the changes that will happen.

We read new baby books for siblings, but I wish we had read them earlier in my pregnancy. I thought it would make her anxious about the upcoming changes, but she could have had more time to process the information the books shared. The best way to figure out if your child would like to read about the coming of a new baby is to ask. They will likely be interested in what the books say about such an unknown and upcoming event. But if you try a couple and it makes your child more anxious, take a break and check in later.

Two books (there are tons available) we read that were helpful are The New Baby (a Little Critter Book) and The Berenstain Bears’ New Baby. Both are classics and have mostly positive reviews.

Ensure All Feelings are Welcome

If you hear “I hate the baby” or anything close to it, please don’t tell your child that’s not true or tell them they love the baby. They are allowed to feel what they feel, even if it’s negative. My mom would get upset about my negative feelings toward my baby sister, which made the feeling worse. Your older child will not always like their younger sibling, and that’s OK! That’s part of being human.

Let your child express how they feel without judgment and try to empathize. Your child wants you to hear them. They want you to acknowledge that what they are going through is hard and to hear that it’s OK to feel that way. If you try to dismiss or alter their feelings, your child may get the message that it’s wrong to feel that way, which can bring about shame. When Keira feels that way toward Adrian, I tell her that I understand and it’s normal to occasionally feel that way toward siblings. She won’t hate him forever, and probably not longer than the next hour or so.

Increase Their Responsibilities Ahead of Time

Help your first child adjust to a new baby by getting them used to being more independent and helpful around the house before baby comes. Life is busy and messy, especially when kids are toddlers and babies. I did not do a good job of increasing expectations beforehand. After Adrian came home, I kept thinking, “Hey, people with 8 kids have their older ones help with chores and their younger siblings. So, my kid now has to step up and do more.” Well, that may or may not be true – I don’t have 8 kids to know, but springing extra responsibilities on your kid while you’re in the throws of a newborn phase causes everyone stress. Keira didn’t understand why I was suddenly requiring so much of her, and I was frustrated that she wasn’t helping more.

Try to Implement Necessary Change Before the Baby Comes

Does your first child need to move to their own room or bed when the new baby comes? Are they losing their playroom or any of their toys to make room for the baby? Will they be spending more time with other caregivers like Grandma and Grandpa? It’s a good idea to think through any big changes that come along with the baby’s arrival and try to implement or practice the change before the baby actually gets here.

I let Keira sleep with me up until Adrian came into the world. She started sleeping with me when she moved to a toddler bed because she wouldn’t stay in bed, and my husband was on third shift at the time anyway. It’s embarrassing, but that’s how it was until Adrian came along. This was a change for Keira that was a direct cause of the baby (see my next point), and I wish I would have moved her to her own bed before he was born.

Don’t Make Every Change About the Baby

I was very careful about saying we couldn’t do XYZ because of the baby. I didn’t want her to associate every change with the baby. For example, we didn’t go to certain events because it was too much for me and/or the baby – like going to the theme park we live close to. Instead of saying it was because of the baby, I said we didn’t have the resources right now for that and took her to the pool instead.

Play Video Games with Them

I don’t know a kid who doesn’t like video games, and they are an easy way to connect with your older child. When Adrian was born, I couldn’t play with Keira like I used to. So, I downloaded Roblox on my phone and played with her while I fed the baby. She was thrilled, and it helped fill her love language of quality time.

Don’t Protect Them From the Changes

I agreed to playdates and activities as we normally did them before Adrian was born. I had the intention of keeping Keira’s life as much the same as possible. While doing some of that is good, I should have prepared her and myself a little better for how a baby will disrupt life in the short term. That brings me to my next point.

Assure Them Certain Changes are Temporary

Your first child may feel very uneasy when trying to adjust to a new baby in the home. Keira went from me being available to her whenever she wanted to having to go to her dad for more things since I was with the baby. I breastfed, so I had to be with Adrian a LOT in the beginning. I occasionally explained to Keira that the baby needs a lot at first, and as time would go on, he would be more and more independent. It’s important to remind them that babies won’t require so much from everyone forever.

From Her Perspective: What My 8-Year-Old Says About Preparing for a New Baby

Keira suggests practicing what your child will do with a baby using a baby doll. For example, if you ask your older child for help because she needs to use the bathroom, they would do some things to entertain the baby. They can use the doll to learn how to play with the baby, feed the baby, and change a diaper. They can even ask their friends about how it is to have a younger sibling.

Final Thoughts on How to Help Your First Child Adjust to a New Baby

After several conversations of reassurance and Keira expressing her need for more quality time with me and her dad, we have come to a pretty good place after the first year of Adrian’s life. The newborn stage can be rough, especially if that’s not your favorite season of life. But remember to give everyone, including yourself, a lot of grace and patience.